Contingent Transactional Love

I remember the first time I was aware of a girl liking me. I was in kindergarten, and she had never given me a moment of attention until one day I sang a song (I don't even remember the reason I sang said song). The look in her eyes was different in that moment, like she saw me and I mattered. The endorphins were flowing through my little kid brain and I was hooked.

Unfortunately that left some kind of mark on my psyche where I associate affection, love, or attention--whatever you want to call it--as being contingent on me offering something. I just recently realized that I don't think I believe in unconditional love. Or at least if it does exist I don't know that I've ever felt worthy of it or that someone feels that way for me. In my head love is always conditional, always contingent on... some thing I'm offering (the "thing" can vary depending on the person or situation). Maybe it's singing, maybe it's laughs from cracking jokes, maybe it's physical gifts I buy for the person who's the object of my current affection. The specific thing is ultimately irrelevant, but the driving force behind it is that I think deep down I do not feel worthy of unconditional love, so I need to constantly prove my worthiness, and, if I dare to stop, then I am no longer worthy of that love.

This deep down feeling has been reinforced by many relationships I've had. During this quest to prove my worth I have let people treat me very poorly, well beyond what any person should. I've also hung onto or chased relationships far past what is reasonable, I think because there was some part of me that felt that if I just said or did the right thing that I could turn things around and earn that love back.

I don't know if I will ever believe in unconditional love or that I am worthy of such a thing. I guess that's something to work through with my therapist. In the end I'd be happy to progress to a point where I don't feel the need to prove myself to anyone, to make the case for my worth. I'd rather be unloved than continue beating myself up in this way.