Contingent Transactional Love
I remember the first time I was aware of a girl liking me. I was in kindergarten, and she had never given me a moment of attention until one day I sang a song (I don't even remember the reason I sang said song). The look in her eyes was different in that moment, like she saw me and I mattered. The endorphins were flowing through my little kid brain and I was hooked. Unfortunately that left some kind of mark on my psyche where I associate affection, love, or attention--whatever you want to call it--as being contingent on me offering something. I just recently realized that I don't think I believe in unconditional love. Or at least if it does exist I don't know that I've ever felt worthy of it or that someone feels that way for me. In my head love is always conditional, always contingent on... some thing I'm offering (the "thing" can vary depending on the person or situation). Maybe it's singing, maybe it's laughs from cracking jokes, maybe it...